Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
