Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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