I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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