I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Also, beer. Big fan.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
