Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
