Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Randomize