So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Randomize
