Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
