I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
