Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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