Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
