i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
