Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize