You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
