You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize