Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
