I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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