Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
