I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
