Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
