'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Randomize
