How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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