Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Randomize
