he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
