I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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