Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
