i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize