Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
