She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
