Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
