It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
