She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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