How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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