That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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