After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize