Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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