Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
