i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
