Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
