Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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