I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
