oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
