there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
My liver just had a heart attack.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
