ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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