i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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