Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
