did you get engaged???
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
