remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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