just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
