Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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