How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
