I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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