Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i may or may not be watching the land before time
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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