Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Randomize
