Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
