is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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